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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23631145">Are You Being Served - The Lockdown.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom'>Classicsitcom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Are You Being Served?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:42:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23631145</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The staff of Grace Brothers'department store rehearse procedures for coping with a virus in the 1970s</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Are You Being Served - The Lockdown.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>STAY AT HOME - PROTECT THE NHS - SAVE LIVES !</p><p>Ground floor: perfumery<br/>
Stationery and leather goods<br/>
Wigs and haberdashery<br/>
Kitchenware and food<br/>
Going up</p><p>Mr Harman remembers ...</p><p>You know, watching all this malarky on the box about Coronavirus reminds me of a time back in the 70s when the government was worried about a disease coming from China called the Crapovirus. All the big companies and big stores - including Grace Brothers - were told to prepare their staff to take precautions against an outbreak and ... well, imagine the scene...</p><p>Grace Brothers' department store, men's and ladies apparel, it is 8.30 and the department was empty until the lift doors opened and Captain Peacock entered. He was dressed impeccably as always, a fresh carnation in his buttonhole but incongruously also wearing a surgical face mask. He crossed to the menswear counter and signed the duty book with his fountain pen and looked disapprovingly at a portable television on the top of the counter - a portable television set that had most certainly not been there when he had left the store last night.<br/>
The lift pinged and Mr Lucas appeared wearing his usual suit and coat but with a carrier bag over his head - two holes allowing him to see and a third hole allowing him to breathe.<br/>
"Mr Lucas !" Exclaimed Peacock "It is Mr Lucas, isn't it ?"<br/>
"Yes, Captain Peacock, it's me." Said Mr Lucas holding his mouth hole open with a finger.<br/>
"Is this your idea of wearing an item that will contain the spread of Crapovirus ?"<br/>
"I'll admit, it wasn't my first choice."<br/>
"It's a carrier bag. Mr Lucas, you've really made no effort whatsoever."<br/>
"That's not entirely fair, Captain Peacock," said Mr Lucas "You see, I had to buy my weekly bus ticket this morning."<br/>
"I don't see." Snapped Captain Peacock "I don't see the connection at all."<br/>
"When I got off the bus, I went to that little chemist shop on the corner to see what they had to combat the Crapovirus."<br/>
"And was that all they could sell you ? A carrier bag ?"<br/>
"After buying my bus ticket, this was all I could afford !"<br/>
"Sign in, Mr Lucas." Said Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Can I borrow your pen ?"<br/>
"Of course not !" Snapped the dapper floorwalker "Borrowing my pen could spread the Crapovirus."<br/>
"Oh yes, of course... " Said Lucas finding his own pen in his jacket pocket, "by the way, Captain Peacock, why is it called ... you know, Crapovirus ?"<br/>
"Well, I thought everyone knew that, the main symptom is ... well ..."<br/>
Captain Peacock's momentary embarrassment was cut short as the lift doors pinged and Mr Humphreys appeared dressed in medical 'scrubs' complete with face mask, latex gloves and a stethoscope. He minced down the stairs.<br/>
"Now that's more like it," said Peacock "you've done very well Mr Humphreys."<br/>
"I'm not sure what you mean, Captain Peacock," said Mr Humphreys in some surprise "how have I done 'very well' then ?"<br/>
"In preparing yourself for our Crapovirus rehearsal, of course."<br/>
"The Crapovirus rehearsal ?" Said the limp wristed assistant "Oh, I'd forgotten all about that."<br/>
"Then why, exactly, are you wearing surgical scrubs and a medical face mask, may I ask ?" Demanded Peacock.<br/>
"Oh this ?" Said Humphreys "I was at a party last night. I've just left. It was 'fancy dress' and everyone came as a doctor or a nurse - there were even one or two patients as well. I'm just going to change in the fitting room after I sign in."<br/>
Captain Peacock sighed disapprovingly.<br/>
"It was a wonderful party," said Humphreys as he approached the counter "My best friend was there dressed as a very sexy nurse in a plastic uniform, lovely legs in those seamed stockings that they wear."<br/>
"Wow," said Lucas approvingly "Was she wearing a short skirt and sensible shoes too ?"<br/>
"Actually, yes," said Humphreys "Were you there ? Did you see him ?"<br/>
"Him ?" Blustered Lucas in amazement.<br/>
"Yes, of course." Said Humphreys "Can I borrow your pen Mr Lucas ? That is you in there, isn't it ?"<br/>
"Yes, it's me." Responded Lucas.<br/>
"You should have gone to Sainsbury's," said Humphreys "The red and white would have suited you better."<br/>
Lucas handed over his pen as Captain Peacock harrumphed loudly - "You can't borrow anyone's pen, Mr Humphreys," he said "That is a way that Crapovirus can be spread."<br/>
"Too late now." Said Humphreys signing the book.<br/>
The lift pinged and Mrs Slocombe entered wearing her coat and a World War Two gas mask.<br/>
"Oh good grief." Said Captain Peacock.<br/>
Mrs Slocombe joined her colleagues and said something completely incoherent through her mask.<br/>
"I beg your pardon, Mrs Slocombe ?" Said Humphreys.<br/>
Mrs Slocombe made another muffled sound.<br/>
"We can't understand a word you're saying, Mrs Slocombe." Said Captain Peacock "You'll need to remove your mask."<br/>
"Aw, that's a shame," said Lucas "It's quite an improvement."<br/>
Mrs Slocombe removed her gas mask with some difficulty - "I said can I borrow a pen to sign in with, I've forgotten mine."<br/>
"Here you are, Mrs Slocombe." Said Humphreys handing over the pen.<br/>
"This is ridiculous," said Peacock "We have to take this seriously, we must be ready in case Crapovirus strikes and that means not sharing pens."<br/>
"Too late now, Captain Peacock," said Mrs Slocombe signing the book "Here you are." She handed the pen back to Mr Humphreys who handed it back to Mr Lucas.<br/>
"By the way," said Mrs Slocombe to Captain Peacock "Why exactly is it called, you know, Crapovirus ?"<br/>
"I'll explain in a minute." Said the cheeky junior assistant.<br/>
"It's called that because of one of the main symptoms." Said Peacock tersely.<br/>
"I read in the paper today that it can be passed to pets as well." Said Mrs Slocombe.<br/>
"I read that as well." Said Humphreys.<br/>
"Well," continued the colourfully haired senior ladies' assistant "If it affects my pussy I shall need time off to deal with it."<br/>
"As far as I know," said Captain Peacock "The current strain of Crapovirus cannot affect puss... er, cats."<br/>
"Oh, that's a relief." Said Mrs Slocombe "Oh Mr Humphreys ! Haven't you done well. All those medical scrubs."<br/>
"Actually," said Lucas "He forgot all about it."<br/>
"Then why is he..."<br/>
"Never mind that just now." Said Captain Peacock.<br/>
The lift doors opened and Miss Brahms came down the stairs wearing a face mask and with a brightly coloured floral shower curtain covering her entire body and fastened round her neck.<br/>
"Hello everybody." Said the attractive young ladies' wear junior.<br/>
"Is that a shower curtain you're wearing ?" Asked Captain Peacock aghast.<br/>
"Yes, well," said Miss Brahms "I knew that we had to wear something plastic to keep out the Crapovirus germs and this was the only thing big enough and made of plastic that I had."<br/>
"You should have spoken to Mr Humphreys' friend." Said Lucas "He'd have lent you his plastic nurses outfit !."<br/>
"Well, at least you've made an effort, Miss Brahms." Said Peacock "Now please sign in."<br/>
"Anyone got a pen ?" Asked Miss Brahms.<br/>
"Borrow mine." Said Lucas removing his pen from his top pocket and handing it over."<br/>
"Ta," said Miss Brahms taking the pen "Is that you in there Mr Lucas ?" She asked looking at the carrier bag.<br/>
"We've been through all that." Said Lucas.<br/>
"Oh, have we ?" Said Miss Brahms "By the way , Captain Peacock, why is it called, you know, Crapovirus ?"<br/>
"We've been through all that as well." Said Captain Peacock."Now, would everyone please stand six feet apart, that is vital if the store is really affected by Crapovirus." As instructed, everyone spread out.<br/>
The lift pinged again and Mr Grainger descended the stairs dressed in a full beekeepers outfit. Captain Peacock put his hand to his forehead in despair.<br/>
"Has anyone got a pen I can borrow ?" Asked the avuncular menswear senior.<br/>
"Pen for Mr Grainger !" Announced Mr Lucas.<br/>
"Thank you," said Mr Grainger "Is that you in there, Mr lucas ?"<br/>
"Yes indeed, Mr Grainger." Said Lucas.<br/>
"Oh, I say, you've done very well Mr Humphreys."<br/>
"Yes indeed, Mr Grainger." Said Humphreys.</p><p>"Goin' round the world, lookin' for the sunshine..." Sung Mr Harman coming on to the floor from the goods lift wearing his usual brown work coat and a brown face mask made from exactly the same material. "Mornin' everybody !" He said cheerfully "Goodness me, Mr Humphreys," he said "You've done very well, haven't you."<br/>
"Never mind all that, Harman," snapped Peacock "What are you doing on the floor without my permission ?"<br/>
"We're not open yet," growled Harman in his bolshy cockney manner "I don't need your permission to come on the floor till after 9 o'clock."<br/>
"That remark is both insolent and inaccurate," said Peacock "When I am present, no-one comes on the floor without my instruction."<br/>
"Well, I already have instructions." Retorted Harman "Instructions from Mr Rumbold. To switch this here television on... so there !" He strutted past Peacock arrogantly and crossed to the portable television on the menswear counter where he extravagantly pressed the 'on' button.<br/>
"Good morning everyone." Came the voice of Mr Rumbold.<br/>
"You may leave now, Mr Harman," said Captain Peacock and then, turning to the television, he said obsequiously - "Good morning Mr Rumbold. Can you hear us ?"<br/>
"Yes I can," said Rumbold "This television has a built in microphone and a built in camera. I say, Mr Humphreys, you have done very well."<br/>
"Thank you Mr Rumbold." Said Humphreys.<br/>
"Why's he upside down ?" Asked Mrs Slocombe.<br/>
"What's that ?" Asked Rumbold "Am I upside down ?"<br/>
"Yes, sir," said Peacock "The picture is upside down."<br/>
"It'll be the vertical hold," said Mr Grainger "This happens with my television all the time. Sometimes Mrs Grainger and I spend hours fiddling with the knob."<br/>
"I've said it before," said Mr Lucas "I'll say it again, Mr Grainger, it must be all go in your house."<br/>
"I can't see anything here marked 'vertical hold'." Said Mr Humphreys looking at the controls on the front of the screen.<br/>
"You're looking at the wrong bit," said Mr Grainger "You should be round the back."<br/>
"That's the story of my life !" Said Humphreys cheerfully.<br/>
"It must be this one here." Said Mr Lucas turning something at the back of the television "Any better ?"<br/>
"Not really." Said Mrs Slocombe "He's all squashed up now."<br/>
"How about that ?"<br/>
"Now he's disappeared completely." Said Mr Humphreys.<br/>
"How about that ?"<br/>
"Well he's back again." Said Miss Brahms "but he's still upside down."<br/>
"Pardon me." Said Mr Harman gently pushing Captain Peacock aside.<br/>
"Mr Harman," snapped Peacock "I distinctly remember ordering you to leave the floor."<br/>
Harman ignored his superior completely, stepped forward and turned the television set upside down.<br/>
"Oh that's better." Said Mr Humphreys "Well done Mr Harman."<br/>
Captain Peacock stared daggers at Mr Harman who beamed cheerfully. Captain Peacock snapped his fingers and thrust his thumb over his shoulder. Mr Harman took the hint and skulked away but only as far as the ladies' wear counter.<br/>
"That's perfect now Mr Rumbold." Smarmed Peacock.<br/>
"Good," said Rumbold "Now, for the purposes of the Crapovirus rehearsal Miss Belfridge and I will be self isolating here in the office and will only communicate with you through the television screen."<br/>
"Is Miss Belfridge in there as well ?" Asked Captain Peacock distinctly peeved.<br/>
"Yes of course, I can't function without her."<br/>
"I hope she's six feet away from you." Said Lucas.<br/>
"She doesn't need to be six feet away, " snapped Rumbold "The virus isn't really here yet, it's only a rehearsal. Now then, is Mr Harman still there ?"<br/>
"Right here sir," called Mr Harman barging past Captain Peacock again.<br/>
"Will you maintain a six feet separation, Mr Harman !" Snapped Peacock.<br/>
"Never mind all that just now Peacock," said Mr Rumbold completely deflating his senior floorwalker "Mr Harman will you bring in the Crapovirus proof customer interface ?"<br/>
"I certainly will sir." Said Harman saluting smartly and rushing over to the goods lift.<br/>
"The Crapovirus proof customer interface ?" Said Captain Peacock incredulously.<br/>
"Here we are." Said Mr Harman wheeling in a large transparent perspex cube containing a wooden counter and placing it in the position of the centre display stand "The Crapovirus proof customer interface."<br/>
"It's a large glass box with a counter in it." Said Captain Peacock with disdain.<br/>
"Perspex actually," corrected Mr Harman "Shatterproof, bulletproof and virusproof."<br/>
"In the event of a virus outbreak, we will use this equipment to minimise contact between customers and staff." Said Mr Rumbold from the television.<br/>
"He's upside down again !" Said Mrs Slocombe.<br/>
"Am I ?" Said Rumbold.<br/>
"Back to normal now sir." Said Harman quickly turning the television over.<br/>
"Now, one of you get in to the interface please." Said Mr Rumbold.<br/>
"I'm certainly not going in there." Said Mr Grainger grumpily.<br/>
"I can't go in, not with my claustrophobia." Said Mr Humphreys camply.<br/>
"Mr Lucas." Intoned Captain Peacock sternly "Get in to the equipment."<br/>
"I knew it would be me." Said Mr Lucas "How do I get in ?" He began examining the front of the perspex booth.<br/>
"You enter from behind." Said Mr Harman looking cheekily at Mr Humphreys.<br/>
"Not one more word, I'm warning you, not one more word !" Snapped Mr Humphreys.<br/>
"Right let's have a go." Said Mr Lucas opening the door at the back of the booth, stepping in and reclosing it.<br/>
He glanced around the interior and then spoke but no-one outside could hear anything.<br/>
Mr Lucas realised that he was getting no reaction and spoke again - his lips moved but not a sound could be heard.<br/>
"I can't hear him." Said Mr Humphreys.<br/>
Mr Lucas looked out with a puzzled expression on his face.<br/>
"We can't hear you !" Said Mr Humphreys.<br/>
Mr Lucas's mouth moved again.<br/>
"It's no good talking," said Mrs Slocombe "We can't hear you."<br/>
"We can't hear you !" The entire staff shouted in unison but Mr Lucas just out his hand up to his ear and shook his head.<br/>
"He can't hear us either." Said Miss Brahms.<br/>
"It's soundproof as well." Said Mr Harman.<br/>
"This is ridiculous." Said Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Just a moment, what's he doing now ?" Said Mr Humphreys.<br/>
Mr Lucas brought his notebook and pen from his pocket and scribbled a message which he held up to the front of the perspex booth.<br/>
"What does it say Mr Humphreys ?"<br/>
"It says - 'I can't hear you, the box must be soundproof.' ... well we know that," said Mr Humphreys to Captain Peacock and then turned back to the booth "We know that !" He shouted to Mr Lucas.<br/>
"Pardon ?" Mouthed the junior assistant.<br/>
"How are we supposed to serve customers under these conditions ?" Demanded Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Just a minute." Said Mr Harman. At the front of the booth was a saucer sized hinged door that opened on to a little perspex tube between the inside and the outside "I now declare this h'interface open." Said Harman in a mockingly posh voice.<br/>
"That's better, I can hear you now." Came Lucas's voice from inside.<br/>
"Now then," said Rumbold "One of you can act the part of a customer."<br/>
"Mr Humphreys." Intoned Captain Peacock.<br/>
"What will I buy ?" Asked Humphreys with enthusiasm.<br/>
"Here," said Miss Brahms lifting a bra from the ladies intimate apparel counter and handing it to him.<br/>
"I can't buy that," said Humphreys "what would people think ?"<br/>
"Nothing that they aren't thinking already." Came Mr Lucas's muffled voice.<br/>
"Just get on with it." Ordered Captain Peacock.<br/>
"All right," said Mr Humphreys reluctantly "I'd like to buy this."<br/>
Mr Lucas looked at the bra, then at Mr Humphreys, he raised an eyebrow suspiciously - "Would you now ?" He said.<br/>
"You just get in with it as well, Mr Lucas." Insisted Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Well, how much is it ?" Asked Lucas<br/>
"I don't know." Said Humphreys.<br/>
"There's a price label on it." Said Mrs Slocombe.<br/>
"Oh yes," said Humphreys "Here it is." He held the price label up to the perspex and Mr Lucas looked at it closely.<br/>
"Are you sure it's your size sir ?" He asked.<br/>
"I'm not going to continue if he won't take this seriously." Snapped Mr Humphreys churlishly.<br/>
"Once and for all, Mr Lucas, take the matter seriously." Instructed Captain Peacock.<br/>
"The size won't matter," said Mr Grainger "It'll ride up with wear, won't it ?"<br/>
"Everything does." Said Mr Lucas. "Now then sir, that will be two pounds exactly.<br/>
"Two pounds !" Said Humphreys "For this ?"<br/>
"That's a very high quality bra, Mr Humphreys." Said Mrs Slocombe "It will give you years of wear."<br/>
Mr Humphreys eyed her with disdain.<br/>
"Just pay the two pounds, Mr Humphreys." Said Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Two pounds." Said Mr Humphreys bringing two notes from his pocket "How do I pay him ?"<br/>
"Put the money in to the tube." Said Harman "There's a vacuum tube, it will be sucked in."<br/>
"Really ?" Said Mr Humphreys "What will they think of next ?"<br/>
He placed the two pound notes in to the tube but immediately his hand was sucked in to it. Humphreys screamed in shock - "Oh it's got me !" He squealed.<br/>
Everyone rushed to help as Mr Humphreys screeched "It's sucking it off, it's sucking it off !"<br/>
"What on earth is happening ?" Demanded Rumbold from the television.<br/>
"Let me have a look !" Said Miss Belfridge poutingly pushing in front of the camera...</p><p>Ground floor: perfumery<br/>
Stationery and leather goods<br/>
Wigs and haberdashery<br/>
Kitchenware and food<br/>
Going up</p><p>Everyone was behind their counters and in their ordinary work clothes by lunchtime as the department closed and they trooped off to the canteen...<br/>
"Remember," lectured Peacock "The canteen is also carrying out Crapovirus emergency rehearsal today so we should expect almost anything."<br/>
"When we eat in here," said Mr Lucas "I always expect absolutely anything."<br/>
"Except good food and good service," retorted Mr Humphreys "We never expect that."<br/>
"What's going on here ?" Asked Mrs Slocombe - and understandably too as the canteen had been refurbished over night with a new, plywood interior wall built along one side.<br/>
A small hatch in the plywood wall opened and behind it appeared the angry eyes of the fearsome canteen manageress.<br/>
"Right, you lot," she snarled "Stay six feet away from the remote serving installation !"<br/>
"Remote serving installation !" Grumbled Captain Peacock as he and his staff shuffled obediantly across the room and stood behind a line chalked on the floor.<br/>
"Who's first for soup ?" Growled the canteen manageress.<br/>
"I am, of course." Said Captain Peacock petulantly stepping forward.<br/>
"Stay behind that blooming line !" Shouted the voice from behind the wall and the brave Captain, deciding that discretion would be the better part of valour, stepped back to the line.<br/>
Another hatch in the wall opened and a bowl of soup emerged on a tray fixed to a long pole. The bowl of soup unsteadily approached Captain Peacock spilling some of its contents on the floor. Peacock stood immobilised and aghast.<br/>
"Well, take the soup, can't you ?"<br/>
Captain Peacock took the bowl of soup and retreated to one of the tables. Mr Lucas stepped in to place for his soup but this time the long pole came out much too fast and spilled the contents of the bowl down his shirt front.<br/>
"You'll pay to have that cleaned !" Said Lucas snatching the bowl containing what was left of his soup and sitting down beside Captain Peacock.<br/>
"Oi ! Sit six feet apart !"<br/>
"Blimey !" Said Lucas moving to the opposite end of the table.<br/>
"Can I have a roll with mine please ?" Asked Mr Humphreys tentatively and immediately a pole extended from another hatch with a plate containing a crusty roll ... which promptly fell on to the floor.<br/>
"Oh you've dropped it !" said Mr Humphreys bending down with his impeccably tailored rear end pointing towards the wall - just as the soup bowl pole came out at high speed. Mr Humphreys yelled in a mixture of pain, embarrassment and attention seeking.<br/>
Peacock and Lucas jumped up from their seats as Miss Brahms and Mrs Slocombe helped their colleague back to his feet.<br/>
"Glass of water for Mr Humphreys !" Shouted Mr Lucas and another hatch opened and a blue latex gloved hand emerged and threw a glass of water in to his face.<br/>
"I will be making a full report of this to Mr Rumbold !" Barked Captain Peacock.<br/>
The blue latex gloved hand emerged again displaying a 'V' shaped contempt for Captain Peacock's report.</p><p>Ground floor: perfumery<br/>
Stationery and leather goods<br/>
Wigs and haberdashery<br/>
Kitchenware and food<br/>
Going up</p><p>"Absolutely outrageous !" Blustered Captain Peacock as he and the staff returned to the ladies and gents department "I shall be making a full report."<br/>
"Well, make sure you mention that me and Mrs Slocombe never even got nothing !" Said Miss Brahms.<br/>
"Just a minute !" Said Mr Humphreys "Who are they ?"<br/>
"Blimey !" Breathed Mr Lucas as the entire staff stopped in their tracks and gawped at three mysterious figures standing at the gentlemen's counter. All three of them were wearing full rubber anti bacterial suits complete with hoods over their gas masked faces and Wellington boots. The three figures looked across the floor menacingly, their breath rasping through their respirators. There was a long pause during which Captain Peacock heroically stood to the fore and pushed Miss Brahms and Mrs Slocombe behind him. Mr Lucas and Mr Humphreys cowered behind the two female assistants.<br/>
"Hoi," said Miss Brahms "You two get to the front and defend us."<br/>
"Not likely !" Said Lucas.<br/>
"I don't like the look of them." Said Humphreys, his voice quivering, "My legs have gone completely." He quivered awkwardly.<br/>
"Weak as water !" Snarled Mrs Slocombe stepping forward to Captain Peacock's side.<br/>
"Thank you, Mrs Slocombe." Said Captain Peacock and emboldened by his dependable ally demanded "Who are you and what do you want ?"<br/>
The three sinister figures pulled down their hoods and removed their gas masks revealing ... Young Mr Grace, his nurse and his chauffeur.<br/>
"We didn't mean to scare you !" Said the nurse breathily.<br/>
"I just dropped in to see how the Crapovirus rehearsal was going." Said Mr Grace.<br/>
"Well..." Began Captain Peacock.<br/>
"By the way," continued Mr Grace to his nurse "Why is it called ... you know ... that funny name ?"<br/>
"Well," said the nurse "the main symptom is ..." She whispered the rest of the sentence in to Mr Grace's ear.<br/>
"Yes," said the old magnate "That's just what I thought."<br/>
"Mr Grace was wondering if you had any suggestions regarding the virus." Said the nurse to the staff.<br/>
"Well actually, yes," said Peacock "I have one suggestion."<br/>
"Go ahead," said Mr Grace "Er, it's Peacock isn't it ?"<br/>
"Yes Mr Grace, that's right." Said Peacock somewhat deflated.<br/>
"Well, go on, what's the suggestion ?"<br/>
"My suggestion is that if the virus does come ... that we do nothing at all. I'm sure it can't do us any more harm than the precautions have !"<br/>
"I'll bear it in mind," said Mr Grace "In the meantime, carry on, you've all done very well !"</p><p>Ground floor: perfumery<br/>
Stationery and leather goods<br/>
Wigs and haberdashery<br/>
Kitchenware and food<br/>
Going up</p><p>Yes indeed said Mr Harman, smiling nostalgically, of course back in the seventies Crapovirus never really came to anything at all. Not like this modern Coronavirus thing. It really is no laughing matter so do what the government says - Stay Home, Protect our NHS and Save Lives - there, that's you told !</p><p>You have been reading ...</p>
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